One Voice Is . . .

Happy Feet 2 Reminds Me of My Mission

2012-01-27T07:53:00.000-05:00

One week from now I will be up this early preparing for my first day on the campus of Converse College. For the most part, I am fending off the doubts and anxiety. Mostly, I am excited to be immersing myself in the two topics that I love ... art and women's interest. There have been moments this week of comparing myself to other artists and feeling as if my work is still immature. I explore and paint from the depth of my heart yet there is still something lacking. Those moments have been accompanied by the fear of being inadequate. I share a trait with one of my children. I want to know how to swim before I take the swimming lessons. It is difficult for me to remember that I am there to learn the things that I don't already know. That is what this process is all about.

I have been working through some thoughts about my writing and trying to narrow my focus for this blog. I am probably breaking a cardinal rule for not writing blog posts about blogging right now and another for having written this much and not yet referencing the post title. Just like the movie, there's multiple threads here with one underlying message.

Discontent with how I am engaging with my message is stirring up again. I am asking myself the questions about who I am writing to and what I want to say, The answers have been a bit convoluted. I will say that I write to leave a legacy for my children, a record of who I was and the things beyond them that were important in my life. I will say that I am writing to the woman like me who is trying to figure out midlife and approaching menopause and the feeling that someone else has inhabited her body. I will say that I am writing to the mother who is unschooling her children, feeding her family on a budget, keeping harmony in the home while trying her best not to lose the her sense of being in the chaos. I will say that I am writing to the spiritual seeker; the one whose questions have led to more questions and beyond. But am I? It's felt a bit trivial lately. But in saying that am I devaluing the chit chat that makes the path to the heart-revealing conversations.

I've contemplated what to do and whether or not I have the drive, time and energy to continue writing and to develop my initial vision for my online presence. I changed my One Voice Is facebook page from a community to a personal blog and had also contemplated removing the blog description on the sidebar that talks about OUR voice or even my voice. I really felt like this blog would just become more of a personal journal.

Then two things happened.

First I began reading Gender Knot: Unraveling the Patriarchal Legacy
for a class I am taking at the Unitarian Universalist fellowship we are attending.
The book is revealing the roots of a patriarchal system that is greater than the individual injustices that we try each day to overthrow, to overcome. It challenges one to look beyond just breaking through gender inequality and seeing the very system that allows gender inequality to exist. Here's a quote that I believe illustrates quite rightly the theme of the book:

"It is easier to allow women to assimilate into patriarchal society than to question society itself. It is easier to allow a few women to occupy positions of authority and dominance than to question whether social life should be organized around principles of hierarchy, control and dominance at all, to allow a few women to reach the heights of corporate hierarchy rather than question whether people's needs should depend on an economic system based on dominance, control and competition. To allow a few women to practice law than to question adversarial conflict as a model for resolving disputes and achieving justice. It has even been easier to admit women to military combat roles than to question the acceptability of warfare and its attendant images of patriarchal masculine power and heroism as instruments of national policy. And it has even been easier to elevate and applaud a few women than to confront the cultural misogyny that is never far off, waiting in the wings and available for anyone who wants to use it to bring women down and put them in their place."

Even if a tree is cut down, roots have a way of sprouting and growing again. Is it possibly to resist this system? What is the point? The author, Allan G. Johnson, points out repeatedly that the system is there; we have to acknowledge that. We may not be able to change that but we can change how we participate in the system. Maybe one day that will bring about the complete uprooting of the patriarchal systems worldwide.

But I am just one person, with one voice. One very busy and distracted person. What difference could I make within a centuries old system? Many days, I want to just delete my entire online presence and just go back to being a stay at home mom, maybe dabbling a bit in paint when I can. I'm tired already and my real challenges haven't even begun.

Then I went to see Happy Feet 2 and
I was reminded of my mission. I've been chastised by some for not seeing the great message of Tree of Life and by others for seeing so much in the original Happy Feet. What can I say? Maybe it's the cute penguins or the music or maybe it's the way that George Miller tells a multi-layered storyMalick.

What did Happy Feet 2 remind me of?

That we are not so distant from each other.

I sit under the same moon as you do
I rise in the morning to the same sun.
I wish upon the same stars.

Wishes for a good life for my children, for a purpose in my own, for a place where my voice is heard and understood.

That we are connected and interdependent not only to each other as humans but to all of nature.

Somehow I believe that my choices affect you, wherever you are, on some cosmic level. My one action today reaps rewards or consequences in future time and space. When I honor your value, I honor my own just as when I honor my own, I honor yours.

That each one is needed in the whole, each one can make a difference, no matter how big or how small.

This is the most important reminder because the belief that every voice matters is why I am here. It is why I am attempting to create a safe haven not only for my voice but for your voice to be heard. It is why I in exactly one week, I will be leaving for my first classes in art and English composition. I want to write not only about injustice but about what fosters injustice. I want to paint the freedom, wisdom and power I am encountering on this journey. There are songs to be sung, poems to be read, rhythms to beat, dances to dance.

The voice is here. It is my one voice. It is your one voice. It is our ONE voice echoing to the stars and back.

Let's do this, shall we?

Friend Makin' Monday

2012-01-23T08:33:00.000-05:00

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

FMM: Short Answers

Mac or PC? PC

Do you paint your own nails? No. My nails have always been paper thin and split and tear. No amount of anything changes that. So no polish or anything ... unless you count the paint that covers my fingers when I am actually painting. then, yes, I do. LOL!
Beach or mountains? Mountains!
What’s the title of the book you’re currently reading? Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes for 37 Days Bookclub and Frankenstein: Prodigal Son by Dean Koontz.
Do you dance? Yes, not formally at all. Just love moving my body.
CNN or Fox News? Anything but Fox! CNN and MSNBC. Rachel Maddow is my favorite. Then of course, America's most trusted newsman ... Jon Stewart.
Do you ride a bicycle? Interesting question. I am contemplating taking up bike riding. so maybe?
Do you get a yearly flu shot? Absolutely not.
Best movie you’ve seen in 2012? That's a tough call not because I saw so many great ones but because so many weren't that great. Or maybe, I just didn't watch them. There's still a lot on my list to watch but I would have to say that 50/50 with Joseph Gordon Levitt has to be one of the best of 2012.
Do you prefer to workout at home or at the gym? Neither. Maybe outside? I love to hoop and walk and hike. All outside activities.
Last airport you were in? Flew from Denver, CO to Greenville, SC and that was at least ten years ago.
Married or single? Married ... twenty-six years now.
iPhone or Android? Neither. Blackberry
Do you prefer to be in pictures or taking pictures? Didn't I answer this one already? I prefer taking pictures.
Favorite brand of sneakers? No particular brand. Whatever fits best. New Balance tends to be what I purchase most often.
Do you like snow? Absolutely not.
Do you have/want to have kids? Do I have kids?!?! You betcha! Nine children ... most of whom are not children any longer. Oldest is 27 and youngest is 12.
Summer or Winter? Neither ... Autumn!!
Do you know how to swim? No.
Do you prefer to shop in store or online? Both!

If you participate, leave me a comment to let me know!

It's Going to Be the Best

2012-01-19T07:07:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned that I'm going to college? A time or two, maybe?

My first semester starts two weeks from tomorrow. I've gulped my way through the syllabus for my 3-D Design class. But the real anxiety kicked in yesterday when my books arrived, including the math text for the lowest level math I could possibly take. The one that assumes three semesters of high school algebra. I had that ... over THIRTY YEARS AGO!

This is the point where I feel like running, screaming, into the woods.

It reminds me of the feeling I had when I went into labor with each of my children. When the first contractions would start, it all became real. This was happening. No turning back. I would have to go through hours of labor, transition and birth. Then the real work would begin.

This time I could turn back. I could go running, screaming, into the woods. I could choose to not take this challenge. This challenge that I chose in the first place.

I could.
But I won't.

This degree means that much to me.

I want to prove to myself that I can do this. Everyone else seems to be so sure of me. While internally, I am struggling with my confidence, I am drawing strength from the belief others have.

I want to say to others who start late in the game that this is still possible. Though I am certain of my degree path, just like most college students, I am not sure what I will do with this degree once I attain it. For now, it is enough to be learning new things, exercising my mind and stretching myself beyond what I think is possible.

I want my children to see me chasing my own dreams and committing to the work it will take. I want to be an example to them of working hard to accomplish the things beyond what I even knew I could do..There is probably a series of posts I could write about the juxtaposition of unschooling my children while pursuing a college education for myself.

No amount of math anxiety is going to keep me from doing this.

I have a new thought process in which I am trying to live present.

What if I expect the best from any situation?

What if I expect the best from myself? from my teachers? from my family?

What if I expect the best from this math class? from my 3-D design class? from the entire college experience and my achievements there?

It's going to be fine.
More than fine.
It's going to be the best.

A Year of Answers

2012-01-16T08:31:00.000-05:00

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”

I've spent years living the questions in accordance to Raner Marie Rilke's wise words:

have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

In the sense that I have learned to accept the mysteries of life, the unexplainable and that I have learned to follow my questions into greater and lesser understanding, I will continue to let the questions thrive.

This year is different however. This year, I sense a shift not only in my perspective but also in the energy that is flowing around me.

This is a year of answers.

After quite a few years of wandering from place to place, pitching my tent just long enough to explore and discover another path, I feel like I am settling down. I am ready to plant myself and let my roots dip deep into the ground. I am ready for that foundation.

I am sure of so many things right now. The answers are here and I am beginning to live them. I have to tell you that living the answers just may be more difficult than living the questions. It is requiring strength of mind, heart and soul. Commitment, sacrifice, order are all concepts that are coming into play now.

Honestly, these haven't been as evident in my life for awhile. Those who only know me from a distance would not realize just how chaotic I have let my life become. I can still put in a good appearance but that foundation of order has not been there.

I have been adrift. I frequently describe myself as feeling unsettled. It has been years of wanderings.

But this year it is changing.

I have found the place where I am going to stay. It is time to build that structure and framework of order upon which my beautiful life can be built. There is no magic, no fairy godmother or house elves. I have to do the work that is required to change my life, to move my life forward, to live the answers that burning in my heart.

I am ready.

For this is a year of answers and I hope that it is the first of many such years.

A Noose around the Neck

2012-01-14T07:56:00.000-05:00

It is important to know when a useful tool has become a noose around your neck.

Here's the ugly truth.

I am a blog addict.

I love reading personal blogs, culling recipes from food blogs, adding to my reading list from book blogs, gathering ideas from art blogs. Google Reader simplified that process for me by allowing me to have it ALL in ONE place!

This is a good thing. It saves time, right? I don't have to click through a bunch of different websites. It's all there in one place.

It's deceptive though. It's a tool that allows me to believe I am not spending that much time on the internet, that I am not trying to absorb that much information ... useful and useless.

No one needs to try to read as many blogs as I do. No one needs to try to keep up with that many people and what they have to say.

Let me make myself perfectly clear. Everyone of those bloggers has something to offer; their voice is needed and important. I believe that. I support that and encourage it.

But I have to know my own boundaries and know when something good and useful has turned into something that clutters my life.

In celebration of creating space for myself, I am whittling down the feeds in my Google Reader ... again. I am re-implementing a rule that I've ignored lately. I know my tendencies. I know that I will pile more and more and more onto my plate ... more than any one person can ingest, digest and enjoy. My rule has been that if I add a feed to my Google Reader, I have to take off two feeds. This makes me really consider what I want to add and what I want to keep reading. It's time to apply that rule again.

The ultimate lesson here though is to be aware of those time-saving devices, those technological innovations, those things that are supposed to make our lives better.

Be aware

Beware

That very useful tool may become a noose around your neck.

Today I am . . .

2012-01-13T10:29:00.000-05:00

still painting Fearless
and learning
to embrace
my own Wisdom

Back to Creating Space

2012-01-11T07:11:00.000-05:00

The gift of the young is that they live their lives as if they are invincible, completely unaware of the pending last day of their life. Yet at the same time, they live as if each day is their last, free of the tedium responsibility of life. We as parents come along beside and try to interject the weight of becoming an adult. Hopefully, we do that well and balanced. However my focus today is not on raising children to adulthood . I want to talk about that sense of urgency to live life well, that innate ability that the young possess, that awareness that adults, if wise, will cultivate.

Evidently, I have approximately 12,933 days left to live my life. That's 35.41 more years. I am aware of this because I stumbled across a site last week, 17000 days with a simple message:

Life is short. You’re going to die; I am, too. So let’s quit wasting time.

At first it made feel panicked. Counting down the potential days of my life is a bit stressful! (By the way, you can join me in this awareness of your impending death. How many days do you have left to live?)

But then I remembered that I know this focus already.

I am a huge fan of Patti Digh's work. I speak of it often. Her great work began with the acute knowledge that life is brief and the end can come suddenly. Patti changed the focus of her life when her step-father died just 37 days after a cancer diagnosis. Patti was the most recent guest on How She Really Does it with Koren Motekaitis and told her story again and I learned that it was actually on day 38 that Patti woke up and asked herself what would become the guiding question of her life, "what would I be doing today if I only had 37 days to live?" It was that profound of a moment.

The question for me today is what is my profound moment? What is motivating me right now to make the choices that I am making? As much as I am doing that I know is right, I still have an overwhelming sense that I am missing some very important things. Life is short and I don't want to waste another moment.

The urgency that I am feeling today is to order my days. I have been resisting the idea that I need a framework, a structure to my time. It is reactionary to the life I lived in response to Christian teaching. I've spent some time now swinging the pendulum to the other side, flinching when anything resembled the over ordered life I had. But if I have learned anything, I have learned that I want to live a balanced life. This isn't about all or nothing and I certainly don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Back at the end of October, I started the Deep Fearless painting adventure with Connie Hozvicka. One of the first things we did was to identify our devotion. It's a little different than calling or purpose. At least it is framed differently and it was much easier for me to hone in on a specific idea.

My devotion is Creating Space and here is the painting I created in response to my devotion:

As long as I can remember, I have loved the process of creating space for others ... From Bible study groups, to homeschooling support groups, to conversations about Spirituality. The problem is that I haven't done so well at creating space for myself and I feel that I neglected some areas of creating space for my family. That is what I am getting back to now. It's why I am going to school and it is why I am quitting my job. I am looking for that balance of created space.

When I ask myself the question that Patti asks herself each day, "what would I be doing today if I only had 37 days to live?", my initial answer comes from a reaction to regrets. It is overly focused on trying to correct things that I may not have done well. Patti spoke on Koren's podcast about living those 37 days free of regret. Yes! When I come to day one of my last 37 days, I want to know that I will just continue living my life.

That begins today with imagining what that life is and creating the space to live it.

What about you? What sense of urgency are you feeling today?

Making Friends Monday (on Tuesday)

2012-01-10T12:34:00.000-05:00

The really wonderful thing about participating in things like #reverb11 is meeting new bloggers. One of my new friends that I am keeping up with via my google reader is Kim at Forty is the (new) Fabulous (YEAH BABY!)

I'm a day late (but refuse to be a dollar short) to join her in Making Friends Monday but I've never let something like guidelines or rules stop me. I really like the questions and the opportunity to get to know other bloggers out there. Consider this your invite to join along also. If you do, please comment here and let me know. Also, take time to visit Kim and let her know Cynthia at One Voice Is sent you!

Happy Monday! It's time for FMM. If you’ve participated before, you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add a link in the comments section here and at Kenlie's blog, All the Weigh, so we can all see your answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has the opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Ready for this week's topic?

1) What is one of your favorite ways to spend a Saturday?
It's been awhile since I've had the freedom to spend a Saturday doing something other than working. However, in just a three more weeks, my Saturdays will be my own again. However, Saturday is not a normal weekend day for us no matter what since my husband works Saturdays. But I anticipate it being a day to catch up on a bit of work around the house and outside, as always it will include games and art with the family and I am looking forward to it being a day in preparation for a new week.

2) List your top three favorite TV shows.
I don't watch a lot of tv. Recently, my husband and I have been catching up on past seasons of How I Met Your Mother. I have a love hate relationship with this show. I will have to say that the writing is incredible and the cast is quite talented. Our family watches Parenthood together because the Bravermans remind us of ourselves. I also really enjoy watching Project Runway with the kidlets.

3) Would you rather be in pictures or take them?
I love taking photos but don't think I am that good at it. One of my classes for my art degree will be in photography. I am hoping to acquire a big girl camera before then and really devote some time and energy to developing a new skill.

4) Why do you blog?
My number one reason for blogging is so that my children can know me. This is my record of my thoughts and ideas and things that I care about. I am also very passionate about sharing my voice, exercising it as an example to everyone that each person has a voice that matters.

5) Share five websites that you visit regularly ...
Huffington Post, Pinterest, Facebook, Twitter, and my Google Reader.

6) If you could have lunch with one person from your Twitter list who would it be? Connie at Dirty Footprints Studio ... after her baby is here and she settles into mommyhood. I want to hear her thoughts about transitioning into that role ... just as I seem to be transitioning out of it somewhat. Well, as much as a mother every transitions out of being a mother. It just changes as they become adults.

7) List a few of your favorite snacks. Honesty, I love fruit. Especially oranges and blueberries. But if we are going to talk about indulgent snacks, I love good chocolate ice cream.

8) Do you have a pet? If so, what kind? One cat, Matilda. One dog, Dobby. One day I want to have a New Foundland named Henry.

9) Which three material possessions would you struggle to live without? Internet/computer, phone, my car for now. I'd love to live some place where I could walk everywhere.

10) What’s your favorite drink?
Water with lime. I do love a glass of wine but of late wine gives me headaches. Not worth it.

11) Do you enjoy cooking?
I do enjoy cooking when I have the time. I am looking forward to having more time to cut and chop and create meals for our family.

12) Do you have children?
Nine children - - four daughters and five sons. Two grandsons! It's a full house plus some!

13) What are your favorite hobbies? Painting, doodling, reading, researching. Yeah, I know that last one doesn't seem like hobby but I am a bit of an information junkie. I LOVE learning new things.

14) Would you consider yourself to be shy or outgoing?
I am an outgoing introvert. I love to chat and be with people but it takes a LOT of my energy and I may need hours or days to recover.

15) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change?
To know when things are my responsibility and when they aren't. I pile a lot of blame on myself when I shouldn't.

16) Who is your favorite actor/actress? This is so difficult. There's no way to choose just one so I will try to limit myself to three of each ... Colin Firth, Ryan Gosling, Daniel Day Lewis and Kathryn Hepburn, Cate Blanchett, Emma Stone

17) What’s the coolest thing you’ve done this week?
I changed the look of my blog.

18) Do you live near your family or far from them?
I live fairly close to all my family. My mom and brother are just about 30 minutes away. All of my children are close (for now). One brother is a couple of states away but he comes back here often. Speaking of which, I need to have breakfast with him soon!

19) List three of your talents.
I am intuitive and usually have a good sense of what is going on with people. I ask tough questions of myself and of others. I do have artistic talent also.

20) What is your greatest attribute?
I have a BROAD span of interests. I love to know about everything and want to try out so many things. Life with me is never boring!

Embody 2012

2012-01-06T07:50:00.001-05:00

As I said in my previous post, just before the end of 2011, I purchased a goddess word reading from Amy Palko. I was SO ready for it to come in and give me vision for the coming year. When it did, my first reaction was, "huh?" I really felt deflated. It wasn't me AT all.

But I know enough about myself to know that I needed to sit with it and ask what was beneath the surface. Could there be a calling to stretch myself beyond my limitations, to open myself to something to new, to embrace something that I wouldn't normally? I sent it to someone who knows my heart and soul and asked what she thought. When we talked, she said, "As soon as I read this, I knew you were going to struggle with it. But I think you really need to be open to this."

I am not going to share the entire reading with you but here is my goddess and here are a few thoughts from Amy.

The goddess that came forward as your guide through 2012 was... Erzulie!!

Oh what a beautiful goddess guide for the year, Cynthia! Erzulie is a Voodun goddess who is most associated with love, sensuality, wealth and luxury - yummy, hey?

Erzulie is whispering the pleasures of the flesh. She's inviting you to reconnect with what brings you pleasure - specifically sensual pleasure ...

This goddess' message is that a little luxury can make a big difference to the way you move through the world. Don't underestimate the power of pleasure, and don't dismiss inviting luxury in because you believe you don't have the time or the money. Enjoying luxury is not selfish - it is an act of exquisite generosity!

I don't live in a luxurious world. If anything, with raising nine children, I have constantly focused on making life functional and practical. To that end, my home is less than sterile. I have convinced myself that I didn't have the time or the money to spare on things of beauty and comfort. That has slowly ... SLOWLY ... been changing. Just the crack of acceptance was there for me when this reading came in but initially, I really resisted Erzulie as my guide for 2012. I kept thinking to myself, "That's just not my style. I am not a luxurious, sensual being."

Then I began to ask myself, "What if it was my style? What if I am a luxurious, sensual being? How would my life be different if I lived accordingly?" I really began to push the boundaries of what that could mean for me. That is the thought that was with me when I decided to quit my job. Remember? I said that it felt extravagant, indulgent, luxurious even ... to think about just school, just art, just family.

In this moment, it has come to me what the obstacle is that keeps me from thinking in luxurious terms. Who am I to think that I deserve this? Wow. No matter how much work I do toward becoming a whole and healthy person, there is still those thoughts buried deep within that need excavating.

I am reminded now of Marianne Williamson's GORGEOUS quote was read last night by Patti Digh at her new 37 Days site launch party:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Who am I NOT to enjoy a beautiful, luxurious and sensual life?

All of this brings me to my 2012 word. In 2010, my word was fragmented. That was a retrospective choice but one that fit. I felt like my being was in pieces. I chose Mosaic for my 2011 word as I hoped that all of those pieces would be brought together to create something beautiful. I believe that began to happen. As I faced 2012, I was slightly obsessed with the thought that this year would be about something whole. I wanted there to be nothing that was fragmented and brought back together but something that is complete and unified. Amy Palko sent a list of possible words to go along with my Erzulie guide but none seemed to really capture what I was casting into the hopes and dreams of a new year. I want to experience this year in a new way. I want to know comfort and beauty as the essential core of my life. I want to lasso all these ideas that I have about being in the world and put structure and form to them. I want to be HUGELY present in my life. I want to embody my life.

That's it.

Embody.

It is all about giving form to something that abstract. Another word for it is incarnate -- making concrete and real, representing with a bodily form. It is about physically inhabiting a spirit, an ideal, a dream. That is what I am stepping into this year. With that embodiment, comes all the sensations and experiencing life luxuriously, sensually and with great pleasure.

2012 is going to be a GREAT year, don't you think?

Destiny is no longer calling

2012-01-02T08:33:00.003-05:00

I cannot help but believe that 2012 is going to be the best year yet. It just feels different. This is more than just a new year, a chance to restart, an opportunity to set goals or make resolutions. Everything around me seems to be vibrating with energy. Destiny is no longer calling. It is here now with an open door. This is less about my striving to achieve something and more about about stepping into what is already there, then another step and another. Oh yeah, this is going to be a GREAT year.

At the beginning of December I started the #reverb11 (and its various formats) challenge, lamenting that the question of a word for 2012 came up so early again. I didn't have my word then. It took writing my December blog posts, working extra hours during the month, and looking into the new year and all it held for me before I came up with my word. It took my making a difficult decision but one that lifted an enormous weight.

Let's start there. I hinted at it last time I was here.

As I have written before, I start Converse College in February to pursue a degree in art and women's studies. I will be heading back into the classroom for the first time in thirty years ... while still living an unschooling life with my children and working part-time at Fiction Addiction. Actually I won't be working at the bookstore after January 28th. During December, I came to realize that being gone as many hours as I will while attending classes and working would stretch me just too thin to be good to anyone, especially my family and myself. It was a sudden realization and an exercise in trusting my intuition. I knew in the matter of a moment that I needed to quit my job. Then confirmation after confirmation came to me. Even the financial aspect isn't proving to be overwhelmingly challenging.

When I would contemplate and discuss being able to just go to school, I would describe it as feeling indulgent, decadent, extravagant. It just felt wrong to not struggle to make this happen, to not have to juggle that many balls. And honestly, I don't like having to admit that I can't do it ALL.

Then I treated myself to a 2012 goddess reading with Amy Palko and my perspective began to change.

But the clock is saying I am out of writing time this morning. You'll just have to check back in tomorrow to read the rest of the story.

Until then, tell me? How are you feeling about 2012? What awaits you this year? What are you stepping into?

Releasing and Wishing

2011-12-26T09:35:00.000-05:00

Here I am on the day that my life took at turn.

A decision was made, suddenly and surely.

It was a moment of confirmation and trusting myself.

I can't tell you more than that right now.

The story will have to wait a few more days.

But it's a good one.

Come back to read it.

As for today,

I am focused on cleaning up

and clearing out.

Simplifying and getting ready.

The New Year is just around the corner.

I am preparing to usher it in

with peace and joy and OPEN arms!

This past holiday weekend was not celebrated

the way that most celebrate

or even the way that we have celebrated

in the past.

There is something about declaring yourself

not a Christian

which hinders the celebration of the birth of Jesus.

Maybe we will get back to some way of honoring it

in a mythical and metaphorical sense

but this year I avoided

all religious carols and

the manger scene was not placed out.

We didn't decorate the tree until yesterday.

One day this week

all of our children will be here

for some time together.

Small gifts will be shared

with the yearning that it could be more.

Not possible this year but that's ok.

What matters is that we love each other

and when we are together,

it is a loud, wild time.

But back to this weekend.

Saturday was the dark moon

and Sunday was the new moon.

So I spent this weekend having

a releasing ceremony

and a wishing ceremony.

On Saturday, my sons built a bonfire

and we all gathered around.

This ritual was more for me.

I explained to the children

what I was doing and why.

It was time for me

to let go of something

so that I can move forward

It was also time

to make a declaration

of somethingthat has been with me

all of this year.

The first thing that went into the fire was this:

Back in 2006, my children

were attending a summer art camp.

I would spend the few minutes

before and after each class

chatting with the teacher.

Our conversations usually centered

on my belief that

we are all creative beings.

At that time though,

I had never pursued myself

as an artist.

I was saying the words

but not living them out.

She invited me to come

help out with the next art camp.

When I got there,

to my surprise,

she had a table set up for me

and said these prophetic words,

"There is something inside you

that needs to be released.

It's time"

She gave me permission and freedom to go

and sit with the paints and materials

and simply choose what felt good to me.

I obediently went over to the side of the room,

crouched down

and immediately started crying.

My panic was so strong

that I felt like

I was going to run

from the room

and throw up.

But finally, I choose bright, vibrant colors

and went to the board she had prepared for me.

First I smeared on plaster with my hands,

making strokes and texture.

Then I picked up the paintbrush

and made my first stroke

and as they say,

rest is history.

I was smitten and

completely in love

with this act of placing color.

I held onto that first piece

as evidence of my breaking free

and emerging as an artist.

For quite some time now

I have felt it was time to let go of it.

Symbolically acknowledging that

sometimes we have to let go

of what was

so that we can grab hold

of what is to come.

As I prepare to start school in February

to pursue my Art degree,

I am ready to honor what was

but also to release it.

Into the fire it went.

The second piece that went into the fire

was a painting that I started

at the beginning of this year.

It was a commission

that an online friend asked me

to do for her business.

I was flattered and excited.

However, as I painted and

tried to make the painting fit

what her vision was,

I slowly began to hate it.

Each day at the canvas became drudgery.

Finally I accepted that

and contacted her to tell her that

I couldn't continue with the project.

I didn't even take a photo of it

to share here before I burned it.

That is how much I hate that painting.

I burned it as a reminder

that my painting process

that I paint from my heart and soul,

from my intention

If I do that and it resonates with someone,

is fine. I will sell it to you.

However, I will never take another commission

and be tied to another person's vision.

It just doesn't feel good to me.

The night was a good night.

After burning the paintings

(and spilling an entire glass of wine on myself),

we sat around the fire,

roasting marshmallows

and singing non-religious Christmas songs.

Sunday brought the new moon and

the opportunity to cast my wishes to the universe.

I had wanted to build another fire

but the weather did not cooperate.

Instead, I went to my room,

burned some incense and

lit a semi circle of nine candles on the floor.

I sat in front of the individual flames.

I played some soothing music and

meditated in peace for a long time.

Then I took my notebook

and wrote out my wishes.

Finally, I read each wish aloud,

extinguishing one candle per wish,

releasing them with the flame to the universe.

Now I feel ready for 2012.

Well almost.

There is still some decluttering and

sorting to be done this week.

In fact, I am going to finish up here

and get busy with that.

Before I go, let me ask you.

What will you release

before the end of this year?

What wishes will you cast?

Share your journey with me!

#reverb11 : Lesson - Listen

2011-12-20T07:38:00.000-05:00

Coming back now after taking a break

from the #reverb11 train,

answering a prompt that I know has been posted

but I can't find.

If I do, I'll credit it later.

Lesson learned.

Only now in this moment

have I remembered this lesson.

I intended to come here this morning

to write about something entirely different

As I was thinking about having not posted

a reverb prompt since last Wednesday,

knowing that the post I wanted to write today

was not an answer to a prompt,

I said to myself,

"Why the resistence?" I

n answer, I replied,

"Why not the resistance?"

Immediately, I was reminded of this lesson.

Resistance.

It comes up a lot in my art work.

I am certain that it comes up for all people,

in various situations

We are taught to muscle through,

do it anyway,

the job done.

If we don't follow the path of ignoring resistance,

we may disconnect entirely.

Go with the resistance

let it dictate what our work doesn't become.

Neither of those reactions

is productive in the long run.

Sure the first may seem to be because

the job is getting done

the paper is being written,

the painting is being painted.

But resistance will come back

because it is about something.

Maybe we can learn to listen to the resistance.

Sit with it for awhile.

Hear what it has to say.

Find out what is at the heart of that barrier.

Only then can we know if we need to climb over,

go around,

tunnel under,

push through

or just stay for awhile on this side.

Did I do that this week?

No.

Still haven't done that because as I've said,

I just remembered this lesson.

I do have some vague ideas

of what is really going on with me.

Hopefully, some time this week,

I will be able to find my quiet space and listen.

It's all about the Turquoise

2011-12-15T08:22:00.000-05:00

Today isn't a #reverb11 prompt.

I was getting a bit weary

of the reflection and projection.

That is hard work!

Today I stumbled across a post

by Carolyn Rubenstein at A Beautiful Ripple Effect.

I actually think this is a series she does

but I just discovered today's post.

Color Me Happy celebrates all things colorful.

have never seen gray/grey look so good!

She inspired me!

Today is all about the turquoise.

This is my happy color.

I painted my bedroom this color.

I come alive when I see it.

1. Turquoise Lotus, 2. hello?, 3. Webbed Dome, 4. Door, Turquoise, 5. Turquoise Beads, 6. Special Order !, 7. turquoise, 8. Turquoise: mine at last!, 9. Suzuki Splash SZ4. Lagoon Turquoise

I can spend hours looking at

House of Turquoise

and

Everything Turquoise

What about you?

What is your happy color?

#relish11 : Love

2011-12-14T07:23:00.000-05:00

When in the past year did you feel the most love?

Love toward someone or love received?

What a wonderful thing it is to know that I have so many times from which to choose. Moments with my husband, my children, my friends, my family all rush over me this morning. But there is one very sweet moment that popped into my head first. This is the one I'll share today.

When I leaned down to tell my very active,

usually-doesn't-have-time-for-the-mushy-hugs,

four year old grandson

goodbye and I said, "I love you"

and he chirped back, "I love you too, Mimi"

I don't have to say anything else.

That says it all.

Do you have any moments like that to share?

I'd love to hear them!

#reverb11 : Remembering

2011-12-13T06:55:00.000-05:00

I work at a bookstore

A local independent bookstore

But I LOVE art and craft magazines

Which we don't carry

So once every month or so

I will visit Barnes and Noble
or Books a Million

Stack up on art magazines
sit
peruse
drool
spend way too much money
on magazines

The latest issue of Somerset Studio introduced me to Kate Crane at the Kathryn Wheel and her process of journaling through the year.

I did something similar to this for the children years ago.
I bought each of them a wall calendar and each night before they went to sleep we filled in that day's square with just a few words about what happened that day.

lost a tooth

won a game

brother was born

it snowed today

went to see grandparents

not full blown account of life
but a way to leave
a trail of crumbs that leads
to the recollections.

I need something like this.

As I am working through the various prompts for #reverb11
I am having a difficult time remembering.
I can recall the highlights
but simple things like
a book read
or a movie seen
or just the practice of living
elude me.

For 2012, I am making a commitment
to assisting my memory.

I am giving myself permission
for it to be as simple as
just a calendar on the wall.
Or I may actually take the plunge
and create some beautiful pages
to journal through the year.

No matter,
what I am committing to
is remembering well.

How about you?
What do you do to remember the days?
Or what small commitment will you make for 2012?

#relish11 : We All Reverb : Discover

2011-12-12T07:23:00.000-05:00

Kaileen Elise posted her entire list of prompts for Reverb11 on November 30th.

I wish I had a cute graphic to link to

but my computer is acting wonky and won't let me save images.

Sure, I could reboot this morning

and that would probably take care of the issue

but I don't want to take the time to do that.

So here we go with the prompt I chose from Kaileen's list.

Discover

What did you discover?

This is the story about how

I started the year in one place

and ended it in another

A story of how I set out

to discover one thing

and found something else entirely

or maybe not

I don't know yet

In January I began an online course,

Discovering the God Imagination,

based on the book by the same title,

led by Jonathan Brink

I think it was my last ditch effort

to reconcile my faith

with the questions and doubts

in my head

that just would

not go away.

I had been a Christian,

by the traditional

fundamental

evangelical definition,

since my seven year old self

sat at the end of my bed,

repeated words the pastor

told me to say

because I was scared

of going to hell.

It was that simple.

Looking back,

I question the moral sanity

of someone using the fear

of burning in fire for eternity

to coerce children to believe in something.

But that fear and that faith was instilled in me.

I followed it faithfully for the next thirty-five years.

Even when it appeared

that I was having nothing to do with God,

the fear and faith were still with me.

Those two things were the underlying motivation

of every choice I made.

Even if I wasn't totally aware of it then,

I can look back and determine that with clarity.

I brought my children up in the same way.

The same fear -- though hopefully much less.

The same faith -- though I hoped it was much more.

I followed the steps.

Plugged in the formula.

Set out to live by the rules.

Those years were spent trying to be

someone else.

A good wife.

A good mother.

A good Christian.

I couldn't just be me.

That wasn't good enough.

And I shut down my own thought process

because I was taught that I could not trust myself.

Though I can't identify

an exact moment

that the walls of fear and faith

began to crack and crumble,

I can identify a starting point.

Just the other day,

I was reminiscing about a certain pastor who,

despite the coercive belief system,

spoke great wisdom into my life.

One of the things that he told me

was that I was created to question.

It was one particular Wednesday night

and I was trying my best

to shut down my own voice

again

I lamented to him that

I always seem to question everything

and he said,

"Don't do that.

You were created to question.

It is who you are.

Be who you are."

Little did he know

little did I know

that my questions

would eventually lead me

out of that faith.

I think that was probably the year 2003 or 2004.

The years since

have been years of questions

rising in volume.

At first, it was acceptable

that the only answer

I could find within myself was,

"I don't know."

I comforted myself with permission

for that to be the answer.

I began a search for community

that could hold this

expanding internal dialogue.

After leaving the church

whose pastor naively

set me on this path,

I wandered through churches,

trying to find a space.

At first, I tried to stay

within the boundaries

I had always known.

But eventually,

I was visiting

more liberal churches

that seemed to fit better.

But my questions

had become about more than

women in the church

or what the Bible says

and doesn't say about homosexuality

or whether the people of God

are following the call of Jesus

to care for the poor.

I had begun to question the very foundation.

The virgin birth

The deity of Jesus

The death and resurrection

and the necessity of such

because I also questioned

the concept of sin and salvation

the existence of heaven and hell

the idea of god

When I signed up for

Discovering the God Imagination

I said that this was do or die.

I had to find a way

to stay in this faith

or I would have to walk out of it.

Jonathan was a longtime online friend

who had encouraged my journey

as a Christian

and as a woman.

I am ever grateful for his encouragement and support.

I was willing to explore this different view

that he was presenting about God

and the role of Jesus.

It was a good class.

I highly recommend it.

I entered it with a bit of trepidation

about where it would lead me.

Jonathan spoke words to me

that were almost as powerful

as those of the pastor seven years before.

He said,

" I know this thought process

can be accused of being

a slippery slope.

But I promise you ...

take the slide ...

there's solid ground at the end."

I think he was right

I have hit solid ground

But that slide just led me

to a different place than his

I spent six more months

at Faithpoint Presbyterian church

with people that I love.

But I just couldn't do it anymore.

I couldn't say the words that I don't believe,

I couldn't sing the songs that meant nothing,

I couldn't pretend any longer.

seeking to discover more about God

trying to figure out

how to be a Christian

with a different framework

I didn't succeed.

What I discovered this year

is that by all conventional definitions

I am no longer a Christian.

I have lost all fear

and all faith

but I have found

solid ground

and peace

and hope

That slide led me to another world.

I hit the bottom, stood up and discovered

that there is so much to explore.

So many wisdoms

So much truth

So many expressions of faith

I am excited to be on this journey.

But It is with

the greatest concern

that I post this today.

I don't want those

who love me

to be concerned for me.

I don't want those I love

to think I am critical of where they are.

My devotion is

to create space.

For myself

For others

to be where we need to be.

My love has never been greater.

#WEverb11 : Try

2011-12-11T07:31:00.000-05:00

Try

What 12 new things do you want to do/accomplish in 2012?

start my mornings with lemon water.
This is a practice that I have gotten a way from.
I need it again.
It clears my head first thing in the morning.
Brings balance to my body.

eat predominantly raw, vegetarian diet.
This is the food that feels best to me.
It's instinctual and my body likes me
when I am feeding it whole foods.

move more.
So many options.
I'd like to get back to hooping,
walking and hiking,
try yoga.
There's a free yoga class at the library
just ten minutes from me.
Definitely going to sign up for that.

set up rice jar experiment again
to remind me that
positive energy creates positive energy.
I've lost sight of that.
We all have.
We need the reminder.

Be more intentional about time with family and friends,
especially our celebrations.
I have forgotten how to celebrate.
I'd like to be purposeful about
making ordinary days special.
There's always something to celebrate.

Bonza Bottler days happen every month!

Be productive, not busy
I need this shift.
Right now I don't feel like I am living my life.
It's more like being in a rushing river
with no oars or paddles,
no way to control my direction.

Create my personal altar and space.
I need a sacred space that is just mine,
that I can retreat to and remind myself
of what is important.
A place of solitude,
to be alone with my inner wisdom.

Practice meditation
Have started taking baby steps in this practice
and would like to continue through 2012.
This is probably the most challenging things
on my list.

Life book
I may be crazy to think about taking this on
in addition to school.
But I think the Life Book program is what
will keep me grounded in
my own process of creativity
while stretching and expanding
my mind and skill level in college.

Drumming
I've been mesmerized with drumming for a long time.
There's a drum circle that meets here once a month
and I love to just go
and be in the presence of the beats.
This year, maybe I will try to actually drum.
Maybe frame drumming.

Trip to Roan Mountain
I dropped one of my children off
at a camp in
Roan Mountain State Park in October.
Although I was only there
for about an hour,
I fell in love.
And I want to go back for a few days
of being unplugged
and
in the quiet,
beautiful mountains
of Tennessee.

College
Of course.

#relish11 : In Words

2011-12-10T06:27:00.001-05:00

What quote, or line from a poem or a song,

most captures what this year was for you?

This one is not easy.

As a lover of words,

of statements,

of quotations and lyrics

it was not easy to find something that fit.

In the end, I feel that I am choosing something

that only scratches the surface.

It's been an interesting year.

I have shifted out of some roles

along with stepping into new ones.

It's been a year of releasing

and in some ways,

I don't know how to define

what I am holding onto now.

I am sure of many things

But there more things that seem unsettled

I am not striving to figure it out.

If anything, I am just breathing

well, as best as I can

and as often as I remember

to just breathe

and repeat

Just this.

As I meditated this morning,

I thought about how I could

define the journey this year.

It still feels fragmented.

That was my word for last year.

This year, was to be a mosaic.

And there is more to write about that

Later

In many ways, I still feel

chopped up in pieces.

I haven't figured out

how to live this life

Most of the time

I am running from part of it

to another

and to another

so fast that there isn't time

really

to redefine.

But this I know

Everyday

I am becoming

Me.

This woman.

So that brings me to the quote I chose to represent 2011:

One is not born a woman,

one becomes one.

Simone de Beauvoir

I am still on that

path of becoming

and

In this moment

I am thinking

that I hope it will

always be so.

What about you?

What quote or collection of words

represent your 2011?

#reverb11 : More Music

2011-12-09T08:18:00.000-05:00

Prompt from Megan at Everlasting Present

Music:

What song did you fall in love with this year?
Was it an entire album? Did you listen to it on repeat?
Share you relationship with the song and what it meant to you + made you feel

There are two musical groups that
I love everything they have done
(granted one of these has only done one album ...
but they are so good,
I know I will love anything in the future)

This year?

I got to see them both in concert.

I discovered Sister Hazel about eight years ago.
For some reason though, I really latched onto their music in 2006 and they sang the soundtrack to a very turbulent time in my life, carrying me through to better years.
I still love every song.

Finally, this year, I got to see them in concert
at The Orange Peel in Asheville, NC.
Dream come true!

One of my favorite ways to discover new music now is via my children. Somehow we passed on a wonderful eclectic palate in their musical taste. Today that are giving that back to us.

Last year my daughter posted on her facebook that
a friend had tickets to see The Civil Wars in Nashville.
I didn't know who this was but after searching
and listening to the first song I found,
I was hooked.
Last night, my daughter and I went to see them in concert
and I just have to say that it ranked up there
with my top three concert experiences ever.
(that ranking is in part contributed
to the beautiful McGlohon Theater)

For more Civil Wars goodness,
check out their youtube page:
The Civil Wars

Here's a little bonus ...

Check out Milo Greene

They opened for The Civil Wars last night.

NPR interns love them.

#WEverb11 : Choose

2011-12-08T08:24:00.000-05:00

CHOOSE

What was the biggest choice you made in 2011?

What caused you to choose what you chose?

I applied to college.

That's the simple answer that pops first into my head.

It's never that simple though.

Peeling back the layers reveals the core choice.

The one that led to finally sending in that application.

The one that led to drawing a line in the sand and delivering an ultimatum I never thought I would.

The one that led to the beginning of taking ownership in my life for the first time.

That choice?

Leaving the Big Top Behind

Here is what I wrote on my former blog on April 28, 2011:

Today, Thursday, April 28, 2011 is day one
so I will begin again.

I need to because in the middle of the night,
I had a realization.
I have been chasing the unattainable.
I have exhausted a lot of energy
trying to manifest something
in myself that would not,
could not fill the emptiness for someone else.
That effort has left me
feeling broken, damaged, not enough.

Here is the truth.
I can’t jump through those hoops anymore.
The expectations are so arbitrary and elusive
but I have tried to make sense of them all.
Last night I realized that it doesn’t matter
if I do the routine perfectly
it still won’t be perfect,
it still won’t be enough.
And I just have to accept that.

In the face of this, what does it mean to start again?
Well, honestly, I am not sure.
I hope to create a path to find out though.
A path of honoring myself,
of nurturing myself,
of being healthy and strong and focused …
so that I won’t be the ringmaster
demanding a performance of someone else.

Wow. Look what just showed up.
Truth. Painful truth but truth.
I recognize that I have fallen
into that role
as ringmaster
because it is one
I know so well.
I have become a mirror,
a reflection of the very thing
that hurts me most
and have been projecting that back
and toward others in my life.

The first step in starting over will be
in acknowledging my own role
in the three-ring circus of madness.
The second step is putting down my baton
and walking out of the Big Top.
That begins today because today is day one.

I am moving far, far away from the circus.
yeah, yeah, I know the circus is a traveling one
and may come to my town occasionally.
But just because it is near,
doesn’t mean I have to attend
and I certainly don’t have to participate.

That post led to a decision to create physical, mental and emotional space from my family for six months. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. Harder than moving half way across the country twenty-five years ago. That was a physical move but I was still emotionally trapped, conditioned to perform my role. A role I lived out for over a quarter of a century of my adult life. Breaking that cycle was essential. I am still in the process of learning healthy boundaries and practices. This choice had and is still having a exponentially positive effect on my life, for myself and with others.

As I said, I FINALLY applied to college.

I was finally able to recognize and define cycles in my marriage where I had played the passive observer as well as the ringmaster. This isn't at all what my husband and I want for our life together. But it took bold words on my part ... words that I knew I would follow through with action ... before we were able to begin to recreate our union.

I was finally able to see myself as an adult. Wow. Forty-seven years old, married for over twenty-five years, mother of nine children ... and for the first time, I was able to look at myself as an adult. I can see myself now as a woman who has so much to offer the world. Not only can I dream, but I can actively pursue my dreams. I can be successful. I know now that living my life to the fullest is not a bad thing. I don't know how it could have ever been defined in my head as such but it was.

Now I've written those last three paragraphs as if those were one time actions. Oh, but it is so much more than that. This is an ongoing process.

I have applied and been accepted to college. In February, I start classes. I am going to college! Every day, for quite a few years, I am going to college. Each day an opportunity to practice my courage, my strength and my creativity.

My husband and I are actively recreating our marriage. We both see how our first twenty-five years were held together by a frantic pace of raising children. It has been a WONDERFUL and WILD ride! But we know that our patterns have to change as we grow older. We both have become aware of, not only our unhealthy behaviors, but also of the motivation of those behaviors. We are becoming partners in life in ways that we've never been before. I think many more wonderful and wild years wait for us. That makes both of us quite happy.

As for myself, I continue the process of embracing myself as an adult, of living my life fully, of being who I am at the core of my soul. How else can I live? How dare I live any other way?

What about you?

What choice or choices have you made this year?

Little or big, the choices we make

each day define our lives.

Make good ones.

#resound11 : Thelma and Louise

2011-12-07T07:28:00.001-05:00

#resound11 Prompt 06: Thelma & Louise

So far you've summed up the year in one word, admitted your vices, touted your virtues, revealed your superpower, and let us in on your theme song, but no superhero does it alone ...

Who is the Thelma to your Louise? Who is your partner in crime? Did you reacquaint yourself with an old friend? Did you make a new friend? Or, perhaps, you are a lone ranger?

Take some time today to look back on how you spent your year and give a shout out to anyone that helped to make it special. If you don't have any close friends that fit the bill, think about who you spend your time with on a regular basis, who is the bright spot in your day? Maybe you joke around with a coworker just to get through the day. Maybe the barista who serves your coffee knows your order by heart and/or knows when to suggest you mix it up. Who makes your life just a little bit better just by being themselves?

How will you resound?

This one is so easy.

Well, easy to choose.

Finding the words to

really,

really

tell you about my Thelma?

my Louise?

(Hey there ... I know you are reading ... which one am I? and which one are you? I don't think we have ever settled this question.)

Back on track now.

Go back up there and read that prompt again.

Just reading the title and I knew the answer to this prompt

but here is the question that really stuck out to me.

"Who is your partner in crime?"

We think of ourselves as

best friends forever.

As soul sisters

As anam cara

and yes, as partners in crime

just like Thelma and Louise

Our crimes may not be ones

that would land us in jail

or convince us to drive off a cliff together

(that's my statement and I am sticking to it)

But the crime of doubt,

of questioning,

of finally deciding

This I no longer believe

We stand together and say

We are guilty

Together we have navigated

a spiritual journey

a journey that brings us

into freedom

and acceptance

of who we are

as women

At times, one or the other

forged ahead alone

clearing the path

making a way

shouting from the future

that everything will be okay.

Other times, one or the other

would creep alone

in silence

not sure if this time

she had just gone too far.

But we always find each other

Together

Laughing again

Sharing the adventure

and repeating my favorite two words

"Me too!"

Right now

As I try to write about her

two more words come to me

True North

It is not that she is my True North

But she knows what it is

She is my compass

When I am not sure of my way

When I am exploring

pushing the boundaries

It's good to check in

spend time with her

See the map again

and know that I

Haven't wandered

off the side of the earth.

Some say that they don't believe

in fate or destiny

I say that I have to believe

in something

other than random chance

that brought us together

nineteen years ago

I'm so glad she's been

by my side

all these years

It's been a wild ride

and if it ever came to

driving off a cliff

She's the one

I'd want to

be with.

Now I know that if she wrote this post

She'd have found the perfect song

To place here at the end

That's a gift she has.

I went searching

and I listened to

at least a dozen

But nothing seemed right

So, I'll just end

with the thought

That there are no words,

no notes

no melodies

or harmonies

To express what is

in my heart

Ten Minutes : Frantic

2011-12-06T13:05:00.000-05:00

Sometime I just come to the computer

and type for fifteen minutes.

It's a raw way to blog and is messy and vulnerable.

But it is my style; it is what I need.

To put myself out there unedited.

I think we spend far too much time trying to make things pretty and nice ...

and acceptable.

Then we retreat to our beds and just before the lights go out

We wonder if anyone really knows us at all.

Today has been one of those days.

I carved out enough time to paint before going to work

Thinking that I would make progress on this piece

It is an exercise in embracing,

in identifying what it is that

I want more of in my life,

that which I want to hold onto.

And somewhere toward the end

when there was only minutes left

to go before I stop

and get ready for work

it took a turn

I had been feeling frantic

Thoughts running rampant in my mind

while I painted

I was only barely aware

of the background noise

My thoughts created

But all of a sudden

It all broke through the surface

Now the Painting is taking a turn

that I had not expected

and I am being challenged

Challenged to believe

what I say that I believe

and what I stand for

and whether

I am going to TRUST

Or NOT.

Will I listen

or NOT

What is my heart saying?

What is this truth that I am trying to paint my way to?

What lies deep down,

what is this lava that has burst forth

And what of these people who witness this process

What do they think when I begin to cover it over

With big Bold strokes

and all the work

I have done

becomes hidden

But don't you see

What was there before

Was Covering over what is TRUE

For me.

The frantic feelings persist

It is why I am here

Right now

And my fingers are

moving faster

than my thoughts

can keep up

Music is blaring in my ears

and I am just saying

Yes,

Yes.

Y ES!

I will take this challenge

I won't back down.

I will paint what is true.

TRUE

This weekend I was asked

if I was beginning to really paint

in an authentic way

I surprised myself when I answered, "no."

Where did that answer come from?

I was so confident that I was finding it

My voice was beginning to become stronger

Oh NO, it hasn't.

No.

It is hardly even a whisper

And what I wish morethan anything

is to Scream

Scream

SCREAM

So loudly that No ONE can ignore

This voice

This Wisdom

This LIGHT

This is what is guiding me

Something that I can hardly explain.

Right now in this very moment

I am so frustrated that I am here

Bursting open

And I have to pack it all back in

Put the paints away

Clean myself up

Wash away the evidence of my calling

And go to work.

Work that I love

But it just doesn't feel right to take that shift today.

And now I am at the end of my ten minutes

I will click post without even re-reading these words

Trusting myself and you

To hear and hold

This process

With sacredness.

#WEverb11 : Listen

2011-12-06T06:00:00.029-05:00

Back to #WEverb11 for today's prompt.

Well, actually this is day two's prompt

but it's a good one

and I didn't want to miss out

on answering it.

Listen.

What song did you listen to in 2011

to completely change your mood?

Think about ways you can you add

more music to your life in 2012.

My Feel Good Song of the Year:

Party Rock Anthem

Everyday I'm Shufflin', Shufflin', Shufflin'

I'm not sure I need to worry about adding more music to my life in 2012. Music is already such a big part of it. Music is my artistic muse. I love to turn on Pandora when I am painting. It's a great way to discover new music. All of my children listen to a wide range of music, introducing me to new bands consistently. I listen to NPR Tiny Desk Concerts, Mountain Stage, classical concerts, local radio stations. There is never a time that music isn't playing.

What about you?
What was your feel good song of the year?

#reverb11 : Reverbyou : Five Things

2011-12-05T10:07:00.000-05:00

Today's prompt is brought to you

from Hope at Besottment.com.

Five things you do not want to forget from 2011?

List out 5 things you do not want to forget from this past year,

and write a bit about why you do not wish to forget

meditation - This is a new practice for me and one I want to continue to cultivate in my life. It brings me to the same space, in my home and in my mind, so that I can discover and discover again where my center is and how to listen to my wisdom.

magical places - I visited magical places this year. Some for hours, some for just moments. They are so magical to me that I hesitate to write about them for fear something will be lost in the process. An effort to revisit one particular place was halted by an careless incident. Now I am grateful that I didn't return. I think it would have tainted the memory for me. Maybe magical places aren't meant to be revisited too often. Maybe they need to stay shrouded in their mystique for awhile.

margin - This year was a year of stepping aside, of moving on and creating some margin, space, and distance from childhood. Seems silly to be forty-seven and just now taking that step. This decision was most empowering. As a result, I took the leap and signed up for college. I start in two months. I've never felt more emotionally healthy. I want to retain that margin so that I can continue to grow as a person.

modify - My role here in my home began to shift last year when I returned to work after twenty-five years of being the primary caretaker of my children and our home. That shift continues today as my husband and I are modifying our responsibilities in a huge way. It's difficult to let go and let someone else take the place that I've held for so long. I told a friend yesterday that I want to be seen as the woman who can do it all ... cooking, cleaning, laundry, manage the schedule, teach the children, work, school ... but the reality is that I cannot do it all. I have mistakenly thought that owning my own power as a woman and growing stronger in that identity was all inclusive of my many roles. It seemed weak to ask for help or to give over control to someone else. It's not though! The greatest strength is to know my limitations and to invite my husband to be my partner in this. We are still really working out what it means to be in an egalitarian marriage, still leaving behind the ideas that a patriarchal religion taught us. Still modifying. That's a good thing.

Well, honestly, I am sort of stuck on what fifth thing I could add here. Since I am all about granting permission, I am allowing myself to stop here. I am reminding myself that what I can do is good enough.

What about you?

Are there five things ... of four or three ... that you want to remember from this year?

#weverb11 : Haiku

2011-12-04T07:11:00.000-05:00

When Gwen Bell decides not to host Reverb again this year, she released a challenge to others to create their own. That challenge has been accepted by various people. Being the scanner personality that I am, I like having options. Today's post comes from #WEverb11, a great example of what internet community and crowd sourcing can accomplish.

Haiku

#4: Sum up your Year via Haiku

fragments of myself

sifted, rearranged, reveal

beautiful new life

#reverb11 : Annica (Change)

2011-12-03T07:04:00.000-05:00

Annica

Change

What did you let go of this year?

Whom did you let go?

Or in my words, what am I letting go of right now.

I find that I rarely let go entirely, am done, in the past, never to be grabbed hold of again.

It is a process ...

of letting go,

loosening my grip,

releasing,

and then usually the opportunity rises to take it back

and then the process starts all over again.

I think at times I work more actively on letting go of things

am more aware of my hold on something

and what holds me.

Right now, I am aware and working on letting go of something and someone.

If you asked me is this still present in my life, I would laugh, wave it off and say, "Oh, I let go of that a LONG time ago"

Not really.

When something is buried so deep in your psyche, it doesn't just go away because you open your hand. It is a process of changing habits, behaviors and mindsets.

So I have not let go but I am letting go

of myself

as a unsure adolescent
as a circus performer and ringmaster
as someone who talks about commitment and community but runs away when things get too serious.
as a woman who knows what is best for her body, her mind and her soul but second guesses her own wisdom.
as a wife who bounces between needing her husband and fighting for complete autonomy
as a mother who takes on the weight of guilt and blame of every single thing regarding her children
as an artist who doesn't know and use her own voice

With the letting go, I am aware of

and working to change my thoughts and habits.

To let go seems so inactive but letting go invites participation, in fact, demands it.

It's work.

It's a process.

but it's necessary.

What about you?

What are you letting go of?

#reverb11 : Palabra (word) - -

2011-12-02T09:48:00.002-05:00

Palabra

word

Encapsulate your 2011 in one word.

Why that word?

What would you like your word to be for 2012?

Why?

I lamented last year that this was the first prompt. Or at least, the choosing of the new word would best wait for the end of the month. So, I think I will wait for this one. I'd like to do a bit more reflecting before I attempt definition for this year or projection for the next.

Sangha

Tribe

Where have you discovered community in 2011?

What are the defining characteristics

and essential qualities of your tribe?

I am ever on a search for community. Being an introvert and being very aware of my tendency to withdraw into myself and my own strength, I push myself to find community. I know that I need others and I want to be connected to the energy of other people. It's almost like it keeps me grounded but that analogy doesn't seem to work well. Being an introvert is the thing that grounds me in my center but without community I would do nothing but spiral deeper and deeper into just me. Community lifts me up and makes me aware of others and of the connectedness of humanity.

My first reaction to reflecting on community is that it has been bits and pieces this year. Some personal redefining, at first glance, seems to have disturbed the process of community. I have gone searching again. Ultimately, it is essential that there be some commonality among those who are living in the same space. Some type of shared DNA.

Physical DNA ... that's family. This is the tribe that is not chosen; it just is. Sometimes this is the tribe that finds it most difficult to be in community. Practicing forgiveness (and really knowing what forgiveness means), setting boundaries, and heaping it all with grace are essential. Love deeply, Live in harmony, Learn always, Laugh loud and often.

Spiritual DNA ... now that's a little more challenging but also exciting to define. Years ago, it would be most important to me that there be agreement on a narrow set of beliefs. That agreement would be the common factor. It constricted me to the point of strangulation. I was dying. Now, I like the concept of arms open wide, a welcoming spirit of beliefs and I find it in so many different ways and on different levels.

This end of this year, finds me transitioning to a different spiritual community. I can no longer define myself as a Christian. I am sure there are posts and posts and posts that I need to write and may write about this revelation.Simply, it became apparent to me when I could no longer recite the Apostles Creed in good faith.

I believe in God the Father Almighty, creator of heaven and earth,

And in Jesus Christ, God's only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried; he descended to the dead. On the third day he rose again; he ascended into heaven, he is seated at the right hand of the Father, and he will come to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting. Amen.

I know what I don't believe and I am still discovering what I do believe. Now I am finding my way as a Unitarian Universalist. These principles resonate in my soul:

The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;
Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

Spiritual connectedness is not the sole possession of religious communities. This year I found myself heart linked to a small group of women. We began in Blowing Rock, NC in April then traveled down Wilson Creek in July making our way to Greenville, SC in October. January is just around the corner and I hope we find ourselves together again. New friendships were made that somehow seem like they have been there all along, comfortable spaces of love and acceptance.

My FEARLESS painting tribe has been the most important spiritual community for me this year. I didn't realize that it was going to become this sacred circle of women who hold the process with such reverence. I went into this to paint, to find my way as an artist. What I am finding is a foundation of support, encouragement and freedom to hear and trust my own wisdom. I love them all so much and it is amazing to see each painter discover her voice and sing it LOUD!

Mental DNA ... this waits for me. As this new year hovers around the corner, I am anticipating (with great excitement and some terror!) starting college in February. For the first time in thirty years, I will be in an educational community. This is the great unknown to me. My last school experience was high school. I don't know what to expect from college and I am not a young thing just starting out in the world. However, that may just be the best thing I bring to the table. I have life experience and crystal clear clarity about what why I am taking this step. Other than math (oh my!) and science (Double OH MY!), I can hardly wait for this type of intellectual community.

Mosaic. You can read that if you want. I'll write more about it here later on this month.

Today I leave you and ask ...

Who's your tribe(s)?
Where are you connected?

What is the common DNA?

One Voice is Creating Space

2011-12-01T07:37:00.000-05:00

Oh, the miraculous energy that flows between two people who care
enough to get beyond surfaces and games, who are willing to take
the risks of being totally open, of listening, of responding with
the whole heart. How much we can do for each other!

Alex
Noble

I want to hear your story.

Sit across the table from you, drinking tea or coffee or water, several hours lingering over breakfast ... and I want to listen to your story.

I want to laugh with you, weep with you, look into your eyes and say,

"Hang on. Life is a bumpy ride ... but just hang on as best you can and enjoy it."

I want you to know that anything you tell me is sacred,

held in the deepest place of my heart and with the greatest of worth.

I want you to know that I hold no judgment, cast no stone.

In fact, if anything, I am nodding my head in agreement or commiseration.

Because here's the thing.

I want you to know my story too.

Somehow I think we need each other.

Back in the day, when my life was more closely defined by the tenets of Christianity, I would say that the enemy's (the enemy being the devil, Satan) greatest weapon is isolation. If we are convinced that we are alone in this world, that our struggles are unique to us, that no else has ever thought the things that we think in our darkest or most brightest moment, then we are prone to hopelessness and despair.

On this day, I say that isolation is the greatest threat to humanity.

Whether we are sitting high, pointing our finger, thinking that we have nothing in common with "those" people

or we are sitting alone in the dark wondering if we are the only ones

o question the choices that led us to marriage and parenthood

or we sitting on a church pew, asking ourselves why everyone else seems to have it all figured out

We really aren't alone.

Our lives are intrinsically connected.

We need each other

to be authentic

to be vulnerable

to be a safe place, a sanctuary, a haven.

I want to be that space, create that space, for others. As clear as I have ever known anything in my life, I know that my devotion is for making a place for others to know that they are not alone. It is what compels me to be here, on this blog, learning how to tell my own story in the most authentic way I can. It is what is pushing and pulling me to pursue my education, to learn more, to discover who I am as an artist and as a woman.

Here I am this morning, coffee in hand, asking you,

"Tell me your story"

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person;
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them
all out, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take
and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with
the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.

George Eliot

One Voice is Inviting You Too

2011-11-30T06:56:00.000-05:00

Two days ago when I wrote about making my own new rule, I wrote about what good has come from my incessant curiosity that leads me all over the blog world. Some time ago, I found a beautiful soul writing from the mountains of North Carolina. My heart buzzed with connection when she shared photos of her younger self with flaming red hair. Now she has this gorgeous white hair (oh could I be so lucky?!) and rocks the red glasses! (Oh, how I wish I could!)

Patti Digh writes at 37 days answering the question she has been asking her self after the rapid, premature death of her step-father. What would I be doing today if I only had 37 days to live?

But here's how I answered it: Write like hell, leave as much of myself behind for my two daughters as I could, let them know me and see me as a real person, not just a mother, leave with them for safe-keeping my thoughts and memories, fears and dreams, the histories of what I am and who my people are. Leave behind my thoughts about living the life, that "one wild and precious life" that poet Mary Oliver speaks of. That's what I'd do with my 37 days. So, I'm beginning here.

That beginning led her to author four books.

These books, more than anything else, were a collaborative effort as Patti invited her readers to submit art, stories and their own wisdom. That invitation defines so much of what I love about Patti Digh. Her heart, her soft wisdom, her welcoming spirit. She is another soul who teaches me to believe in myself, who teaches me to listen to my inner wisdom and to carry a package of birthday candles wherever I go ... in other words be prepared to party!

And I am going to need those candles because Patti is giving out invitations again. To celebrate the 7th anniversary of 37 Days and the launch of a new site, Patti Digh is hosting a webinar, Your Dream has a Heartbeat on January 5, 2012. All you have to bring is yourself, someway to take notes ... and a cupcake, candle, and matches because as Patti says, " THIS IS A PARTY, AFTER ALL."

I'll be there!

Will you?

One Voice is Going Deep

2011-11-29T07:00:00.001-05:00

It's impossible to trace the steps that led me to Connie at Dirty Footprints Studio. I remember sitting at my computer, watching her first video blogs and thinking to myself, "Who is this woman who radiates such joy and love?! I want to be like her!"

I was in my first steps of emerging from the cocoon I had spun for myself, just starting to test of my artist wings. Her words each week gave me courage and inspiration and a desire to fly higher.

Then she started offering Fearless Painting workshops. I didn't sign up. I wasn't ready for that, wasn't convinced to really invest in myself as an artist. In my mind, I was just playing, dabbling ... nothing was really going to come from this, right?

But then she offered the first 21 Secrets: An Art Journal Playground.

Playground? Play? I can do that. So I dipped my toes in the water, more dabbling, more playing.

Then BIG rolled around again.

By this time, I had begun to really think of myself as an artist and to entertain the possibility that this I could really do this ... this thing called painting. So I signed up and in those six weeks everything began to come into focus.

I had been toying with the idea of going to college and pursuing something in the art field. Before BIG, I was leaning toward art therapy for one simple reason. In my mind, I had to validate art. If I was going to commit my time, my energy and my money to something it had to be worthy. My life up into that point was consumed with worth only being in serving others. So if I was going to do art, it had to be done to help someone else. By the time, I had come to the end of my six weeks with BIG, I was able to say, "I want to go to school to become an artist." Period. Because becoming who I already am is the most important work I can do.

Now I am painting Deep.

It has been one of the most difficult, most rewarding, most wonderful experiences of my journey thus far. Connie is our fearless leader. This isn't just a regurgitation of previous material for her. She is constructing it again for this group of women, painting along with us, leading us in the most active way.

When I finished BIG, I thought I had it, I thought I understood Fearless Painting. I had learned SO much about myself and had gained so much freedom. But Deep is stretching me and revealing things in me and for me that quite honestly, are just blowing my mind.

Just yesterday, I completed this painting:

Fierce and Fragile

Here is the blog post I made in to our group about this painting:

There is a statement that I use about myself that needed to be retired. I wrote it here in a previous blog post.

"I feel like a fourteen year old"

I say it all the time, discounting my maturity, my wisdom, minimizing my life experience. There are, of course, certain scenarios that make me feel like that, which bring up that statement. I took myself out of those scenarios for the last six months but I found as I entered them again, the feeling was still there, the statement was still there. It is not the scenarios that are causing this in me; it is my own mind, my own perception, my own thoughts.

I sat with my journal and really visited why I make that statement. What happened when I was fourteen that stalled me there in that year? There is an immediate answer. I know. Something that I took responsibility for, that I allowed to define me all through the rest of my growing up years, that has haunted me even now. I had to revisit that moment and take different perspectives ... from myself then, from myself now, from others involved.
When I came to the easel, I wrote on the canvas ... "This painting is my way of saying goodbye to the fourteen year old me" In my mind, I thought, I need to move on, be past that definition.

I began to paint. This one was not a long drawn out process for me. But in my mind, I had an idea of trying to capture the fractured young girl that I was and bidding her farewell. I think I had sort of a Picasso face in mind.

Too my surprise, this incredibly beautiful young woman appeared and I am so grateful for my painting allowing me to see myself differently ... myself now and myself then. I can look back now and say I was not a broken young woman, in pieces. My circumstances shaped me for awhile ... but ultimately, at the core of me, I was whole ... strong and fierce.

What I let go of, what was not serving me any longer was the wrong view of myself, then and now. This painting has replaced that view with something that is truer, more authentic.

This is it. This is what Fearless painting is about. Finding your truth, trusting your truth, listening to your truth, becoming your truth.

Connie is going to be leading a new group of artists through BIG in January. Unfortunately, I didn't get this post up yesterday which was the last day for signing up at a discounted rate. But I am telling you that investing in yourself, in your creative journey, will be the best money you've ever spent.

Taking this Fearless Painting path with Connie has been life changing. I know people say that all the time and it has almost become a weak way of explaining something but there is just no other way to say it. I am not the same person I was twelve months ago before I started BIG and now DEEP. And it's more than about painting. In fact, it's not even really about painting at all. It's about knowing yourself, trusting yourself, letting go, embracing, courage, love and joy.

Space is limited (It's what I love most about Connie's Fearless Painting workshops. She creates a small intimate group of artists to travel together) Check it out now. If you aren't ready for BIG right now ... that's ok. Give her free Total Alignment workshop a try.

Even that much will be enough to set you on a new path.

Paint Fearless or Bust!
To Fearless ... and Beyond!

One Voice is Making a New Rule

2011-11-28T09:12:00.000-05:00

I don't watch much television. There is just not enough time in the day. I am busy working, painting, living my life. However, I am aware of trends and the popular culture that surround certain shows such as Bill Maher's New Rules, a segment I find funny, irreverent and thought-provokingly uncomfortable. He has a new book, The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass (available at your local bookstore, such as Fiction Addiction) These new rules usually highlight societal absurdities (as he sees them) and establish a guideline for correcting the issue at hand.

Today I am highlighting my own personal absurdity and establishing a new rule for me.

New Rule: Each day, I must speak my own voice before I fill my mind and soul with the voices of others.

One Voice Is, this space in the great big blogging world, is about speaking my own voice and encouraging others to do the same. However, for the most part, my voice has been pretty quiet here. This weekend, following my meditation and during my painting practice, I realized what the problem is and realized what the rule would have to be.

I love finding new voices, reading blogs and listening to podcasts. I can wile away hours clicking from one site to another. Link love posts are my FAVORITE posts because they introduce me to even more voices. This has been a beneficial practice. Otherwise, I wouldn't have discovered Patti Digh, someone I consider a cyber/author spiritual mentor. Or Connie Hozvicka, the fearless leader of FEARLESS painting which Rocks. my. World!

I realized this weekend that when I go to the blogging buffet before I create my own words, I spiral into the comparison game, thinking that someone else has said it first or better than I could. I allow the cacophony of other voices to drown out my thoughts, my ideas, my words to the world. I am suppressing my own one voice.

In trying to find the balance and honor the good that comes from surfing the web, I have created a new rule for myself. I must first come here and speak my truth, share my view, exercise my One Voice before I can listen to an other's.

I have a lot to say.

Swirling in my head right now are posts about aging and approaching menopause, about recreating a life, about what personal freedom means and doesn't mean. There are some fun posts too like favorite music I have been listening to, new recipes I've tried and our ever interesting unschooling life. Of course, I could post every day about creativity, painting and my artistic journey.

Here's to new rules and this being day one of abiding by my own rules of life.

What are your rules?
Do you need to establish some new rules too?

One Voice is Knocking Down Excuses

2011-11-20T09:16:00.001-05:00

I am a devoted fan and participant
of Fearless Painting Workshops with Connie.

I've taken BIG,

and Inner Breath

and now am working through Deep.

and I am blocked.

Today is a day of not liking the process.

It's not even about the painting itself

or what it is looking like.

I am having a difficult time holding my intention

and conveying what is inside me.

I don't know what I am trying to communicate.

It's too vague and I was hoping

that the painting process

would bring clarity and structure

to my thoughts

to my ideas.

Instead, I am going around in circles,

painting and realizing,

"no, that is not it"

and painting over it and realizing again,

"NO, that is not IT."

and once again through the cycle and still,

"NO! THAT IS NOT IT!!"

It all feels too sterile,

too contrived,

too little and too much much

all at the same time.

I wish I had a studio that I could go to.

I would lock myself in today and

blast music so loud

that it would drown out the inner critic,

the thoughts in my head.

I would smear

and spatter paint

all over this canvas

too heck with whatever my intention is

with whatever I am trying to convey,

with whatever looks like.

But I don't have a studio.

I can't lock myself away

and throw myself into this painting

irregardless of anything else today.

I don't have that space,

neither in physical form or

in the form of time.

These are the obstacles.

The ones that feel insurmountable.

Or are these the excuses?

The excuses I make to keep myself

from the process of painting,

of creating,

of searching,

of speaking my one voice.

Am I really going to give in and

say that I can't do this

and line up these excuses

in a nice little row?

Or am I going to topple those

damn excuses like dominoes!

Come on, Cynthia!

Just hit the first one and

they will all start to fall.

That's my story today.

Realizing that the reasons

are just excuses and

have no place in my life.

What's your story?

What are your reasons?

Is there a line of excuses

keeping you from living the life

you are meant to live?

What are you going to do today

to knock down that first one

and send them all toppling?

As for me, I am going to create

space and time today.

To paint.

To move and paint.

To breathe,

move some more,

paint some more.

I will see you on the other side of today.

In the meantime, let me hear your one voice.

What's your story today?

One Voice is Making Connections

2011-10-30T08:57:00.000-04:00

Almost every conversation I have had for the past two weeks includes this sentence:

"I am reading this book, Now You See It, about the brain science of attention ... "

I am completely fascinated with this book and what it offers in insight and ideas for redesigning our lives to align with how technology has changed the landscape, not only of our society, but of our functioning brains. The pages are littered with bright pink post-it flags highlighting topics that I want to blog about, to explore further, to connect to other topics. Right now, even as I am typing this and another blog post idea pops into my brain and I stop to make a note so I don't forget later, I am also thinking, "It's just like in the book! One idea leads to another and I am suddenly interested in going deeper and writing something else"

The bottom line is that we communicate, cooperate, connect in intricate ways at tremendous speed. Our methodologies for education, work and society are not just being left behind, they are in direct conflict with how our brains are working now. This is greater than a paradigm shift. For about ten years now I have been exploring the shift from modern thought to post modern thought. Most interesting is to come across those who slam their fists on the table, condemning post modern thought as if it is something that can be stopped. It can't. We are here in a post modern world because our brains will not allow us to be any other place.

This is becoming glaringly obvious to me as I listen in on conversations about the Occupy Wall Street movement. Here is a sampling of the questions that I hear:

"What is the goal?"

"What is the plan to achieve the goal?"

"Who is the leader of this movement?"

"It seems to be too diverse. How can change happen with so many different opinions"

During the most recent conversation, my mind went back to this paragraph from page 65 in Now You See It.

Crowdsourcing is "outsourcing" to the "crowd", and it works best when you observe three nonhierarchical principles. First, the fundamental principle of all crowdsourcing is that difference and diversity -- not expertise and uniformity -- solves problems. Second, if you predict the result in any way, if you try to force a solution, you limit the participation and therefore the likelihood of success. and third, the community most served by the solution should be chiefly involved in the process of finding it.

This is counter to all we think we know about achieving change. First, we set a goal; our idea of solution. We are used to getting everyone on board. We conduct studies, consult experts and present our arguments in order to convince others to believe that our goal and our plan to achieve the goal is the best idea.We are accustomed to handing our power over to someone else to solve the issues that most directly affect us.

So where does that leave us with the Occupy Movement?

I have great hope that the diverse groups of people all over the nation can solve the problems that are facing us now with our economic challenges, our environmental challenges, our equality challenges. I have patience to allow the process that will bring about the solutions. I don't expect a bullet list of what the goals are right now. It is too soon for that. The crowd is just now forming their voice, still inviting participation. I believe it is necessary for the people of this nation, yes, the 99% to create the change. This is beyond political ideals. Too long, we have just gone to the polls, cast a vote and let the chips fall where they may.

Now is the time to be directly involved.

Now is the time for action.

Now is the time to occupy.

One Voice is Sharing her Love

2011-10-26T07:09:00.000-04:00

Here's my favorite photo

from our trip to

the Carl Sandburg home last week.

The love of my life ... Chris.

This post probably just needs to stand

as a Wordless Wednesday post

because as I sit and try to form the words

around who he is to me,

the emotions are just too big.

Words fail me.

Maybe another photo will speak

for how joyful and lovely our lives are together:

I love you Baby!

You are not only the man I dreamed of

but the one I needed.

One Voice is Going to College

2011-10-22T08:31:00.000-04:00

In contrast to my post yesterday about not jumping through hoops, it looks like I am going to do a bit of hoop jumping myself.

Sometimes I feel like I am in a self contradictory quagmire.

While I LOVE the idea of alternative education and wholly support sites like

and while I know that student loan debt is skyrocketing, exceeding $1 trillion this year

and while I am keenly aware of the extra time, energy and financial drain this will place on me and my family

I am still taking the leap to Converse College. in February 2012.

Though I will be able to attend Converse as an adult older student at a fraction of the cost, it is still quite an investment. Chris and I have examined our finances and multiple scenarios and we both feel that paying back the loans will not be a challenge. However, our situation is unique. I won't be relying on finding a job to pay off the loans. In fact, I will almost be paying them as I go along. I won't have the extra burden of starting off my life hugely in debt. I don't know how these young adults are doing it. Thus the necessity of change. Thus the need for a movement and sites like I listed above.

Yesterday, my co-worker asked what I plan to do with my degree. I've been thinking about this quite a bit lately as I am organizing my thoughts about this whole pursuit. This is a financial and personal commitment. What will come out of this? What career, what product, what service? I answered her with what has been on my heart, what seems to be forming in my soul.

Creating space for women.

I am hugely interested in facilitating creative and spiritual experiences for women. It is why I am here, in this space, blogging. It is what makes me buzz inside and out.

Do I need a degree to do this? I don't think it is the degree itself that I need. What I am looking to add to my life is the learning experience. Personally, I don't doubt that I could continue to self educate myself. However, I have reached a point where I need more and I want to add the experience of learning in community and the accountability of the classroom and its expectations.

So here I am today, looking through the Spring course catalog of Converse College. This is my next step.

What is your next step?

One Voice is Not Going to Jump Through Hoops

2011-10-21T07:52:00.000-04:00

We are unschoolers and this is never more apparent than when we attend educational events. We marvel at the hoops that they try to get the kids to jump through in order to prove that they are being taught something. When we are there, we are there together, listening and learning. We aren't there to prove that we did the pre-activities and how much we can remember from that at the moment. We are there to learn.

Yesterday we visited The Carl Sanburg Home

The education facilitator was very knowledgeable and energetic but she was so stuck in the school mentality. The kids were quizzed constantly about what they already knew, asked leading questions that made one feel like they were going to get slammed for not knowing the right answer and the worst part was that they were shamed for opting out of the hoop-jumping.

In our home, "I don't know." is a valid answer and whatever we don't know, if we are interested, we set out to learn. When my children answered the facilitator's questions with "I don't know", she told them that she was not going to put up with shoulder shrugging and I-don't-know answers. At that point, my children shut down and began to refuse to participate. Her next tactic was to start making comments to the group in general about those who wouldn't cooperate and those that are shy. I finally had to speak up and ask her not to call out my children like that again. How could shaming and embarrassing people make for a great learning environment?!

When my husband and I visited last year without the children, we were taken through the house, told many intriguing details which led to questions and great dialogue with the docent.We learned so much and were very excited to take the kids there. Why can't we assume that children, especially older children, will benefit from the same type of experience? Why must we try to convince ourselves that the programs we design are embedding knowledge into their brains by quizzing and forcing them to participate in shallow dialogue and meaningless activities?

Here's how my children felt about the experience:

Until we met the goats.

This is Trinitie, Tina's mother.

I noticed that their attention perked up a bit when they were each given a specific goat to find. After a quick discussion of the official pedigree document and how to follow the pedigree line so they could figure out how all the goats were related they were set free in the field and that is when the smiles returned. Goats were found, were petted and plans began to be plotted to acquire our own goats. We don't know anything about caring for goats. Looks like we have some learning to do and some fences to build!

This part of the field trip was entirely different because the children were allowed to roam and learn on their own. There was a man who worked with the goats walking through the fields, telling them interesting things about the goats and making himself available for questions. He wasn't intrusive at all; instead, his manner was welcoming and helpful.

Here is a learning opportunity for all of us. One, if given the choice, I will probably not sign up for an "educational" tour again. With all due respect, these programs are not designed for homeschoolers and definitely not for unschoolers. Two, if we do decide to participate in another field trip like this, I will remind the children of what to expect so they can be prepared for how to handle the situation.

One Voice is Taking a Rainy Day

2011-10-19T13:03:00.000-04:00

I had plans for today:
run here, run there.

But I think I'll stay in

and listen
to the rain
instead.

Tammy Vitale

(sign up for Tammy's Wylde Women's Wisdom)

There were plans for today.

Originally, I would be heading to Charlotte to hear The Civil Wars in concert.

However, Joy Williams has followed in the footsteps of her partner,

John Paul White who lost his voice last week.

She was diagnosed with laryngitis yesterday

and the concert was canceled.

Quickly, I began to to fill up today's agenda with

the orthodontist, library, museum, lunch, church.

But I woke to streaming rain.

Now I think today calls for staying home,

playing games,watching movies, painting

... and oh yeah, making chocolate pie.

French Silk Chocolate Pie from The Pioneer Woman

Here's a little Civil Wars

for me and for you until they reschedule:

Here's a link to a youtube Civil Wars playlist ... enjoy!

One Voice Is . . .

Happy Feet 2 Reminds Me of My Mission

Friend Makin' Monday

FMM: Short Answers

If you participate, leave me a comment to let me know!

It's Going to Be the Best

A Year of Answers

A Noose around the Neck

Today I am . . .

Back to Creating Space

Making Friends Monday (on Tuesday)

Embody 2012

Destiny is no longer calling

Releasing and Wishing

#reverb11 : Lesson - Listen

It's all about the Turquoise

#relish11 : Love

#reverb11 : Remembering

#relish11 : We All Reverb : Discover

#WEverb11 : Try

#relish11 : In Words

#reverb11 : More Music

#WEverb11 : Choose

#resound11 : Thelma and Louise

#resound11 Prompt 06: Thelma & Louise

Ten Minutes : Frantic

#WEverb11 : Listen

#reverb11 : Reverbyou : Five Things

#weverb11 : Haiku

#reverb11 : Annica (Change)

What did you let go of this year?

Whom did you let go?

#reverb11 : Palabra (word) - -

One Voice is Creating Space

One Voice is Inviting You Too

One Voice is Going Deep

One Voice is Making a New Rule

One Voice is Knocking Down Excuses

One Voice is Making Connections

One Voice is Sharing her Love

One Voice is Going to College

One Voice is Not Going to Jump Through Hoops

One Voice is Taking a Rainy Day

I had plans for today:run here, run there.But I think I'll stay in

and listento the rain instead.Tammy Vitale

(sign up for Tammy's Wylde Women's Wisdom)

I had plans for today:
run here, run there.

But I think I'll stay in

and listen
to the rain
instead.

Tammy Vitale